why i write here: soul-friend petites (part three)

soul-friend petites sharing a giggle

[if you’re just joining this series, be sure to check out the first two parts here and here]

i thought i had told the whole story.

i wrote and i wrote, trying to connect the dots and say it clear:  why i come here  to this space,  why i spill words  of friend-awe, of God-love, of legacy being built … but the lump that is still caught in my throat says i haven’t said all.  not yet.

it’s true that i write here because Sonya is  my “Ya-Ya” sister,  a friend whose thoughts i can read, whose pain i often feel — pangs of empathy-drenched grief that wake me in the morning, so fresh and so real …

and i love her, so i come here and i write.

and it’s also true that i write here because Drason is my partner-in-crime, a man who laughs hard and loves well — the leader of an organization that i wholeheartedly believe that God is using to do wondrous things …

and i love him, too, so i come here and i write.

but there’s another reason … one that i keep so close to my heart that i haven’t even shared it with Sonya or Drae.  about  a promise i once made.

parents who read here know it well:  there is nothing quite like the love that you feel for your children.  child-love is a lighthouse  in those early months when sleep is short and crying is long;
it is a buoy  to cling to when the rest of the world goes crazy.  one lisped, sweet word from my little boy is stronger than Prozac at changing my foul moods.  it’s a God-gift.

clowning around, the day the famous photo from this post was taken

when my besties, those girls you now know as J.A.C.K.A.S.S, started having babies, i learned that soul-friend-love passes through amniotic fluid — for  i loved their children  like i love my own.

and therein lies the problem:  i loved their children like i love my own, which means that, too often, looking back, i took them for granted.  assumed their toothy grins and drooly chins would always greet me at a playdate — felt sure that i was safe in not spending time just staring intently at their changing faces, for  time seemed to stretch on endless  before me.

Just an ordinary day … feeling the kick of that sweet boy from within

oh, how this fills me with regret.

it’s true:  soul-friends beget soul-friend petites … and a new generation of love goes forth.

i’ll say it here — officially calling “dibs” on the world wide web — that Livi is my Beckham’s girlfriend.  future wife, if arranged marriages make a comeback.

Livi and Bex:  Summer Lovin’ 2008

those two have been sweet on each other since early on — way back before Beckham insisted on constantly smooching her and Livi enjoyed bossing him around (sounds just like a real marriage, no?).

i love  to watch  them love  each other.

and so on October 28th of last year, when I showed up on Sonya’s front doorstep, I was giddy with excitement for two reasons.  The first was that I got to see this face: 

and to kiss his tiny nose and breathe in the scent on the back of his neck … and he was exactly as a baby should be, all needy and honest in his cries, heart wide open and pure.  His tiny fingers curled around one of mine — he clung to me the way we’re called,  faith like a child, to cling  to the Word … the way his mama and daddy cling to Jesus now.

and there’s a snapshot that haunts me … for it reminds me of  that promise made:

and as i nuzzled him, breathed in his innocence, i whispered into that tiny ear a secret, so fresh that Bane Bane was one of the first to know:  that a child grew within me, like a pearL, who would be a friend just his size. 
and when he grunted, wiggled in my lap, i looked him straight in the face and said out loud:

“i will love you forever, sweet Bane Bane.”

and i meant it.  i am an auntie who keeps her promises.  and long after the fresh sting of this tragic loss has faded, his life will continue to change mine.  i will — forever — strive to pay tribute to  my sweet soul-friend petite,  in any way that i can.

and for now, that means coming here and telling his story — so that you who read here might hear, in the narrative of a love that refused to die when breath ended, a call to live your life with purpose.

i write here to  honor Bane Bane, and to  bless the Lord  for the gift that his life was and continues to be, and to pray that  you will be blessed, too, as you read …

and to keep my promise.

i love him — always, still, forever — so i come here and i write.


  1. Anonymous

    i, too, will forever love sweet baney…and i love each petite of my soul friends…so much…
    i am blessed to be able to love so many sweet 'babies' as my own…
    i love you all so…ashee

  2. Anonymous

    Beautiful and sweet remembrances. In prayer for you..

  3. Matt and Shelley

    Love is a powerful gift and treasure…it is everlasting!

  4. theotherkindofcrazy

    This is such beautiful writing! Thank you for sharing such love and honesty. Happy Birthday Bane. I continue to pray for Peace Love and Light for Bane and for his family and for all who love them dearly.