photo credit here
so if you’ve seen our Sonya lately, you know that what once was a tiny secret is now a great place to rest her morning chai.
a baby will be born – this very week, if doctor’s predictions are to be believed – and i, for one, am completely wrecked not knowing if it will be a boy or a girl.
this could easily turn into a post railing against those cool-kid type parents who make everyone wait to find out the gender of their babies (and are cursed with umpteen mint green onesies for this diabolical act), but i think there’s a bigger issue at hand that i’d like to throw words at and see if they stick.
my unease in not knowing is, to my mind, a symptom of a larger spiritual issue. a neon sign blinking “O ye of little faith.”
consider it, for a moment. the not knowing. not the unknown, for “unknown” is typically used as a noun by us: it is a thing, out there, somewhere. it might be good or bad, but it’s distant enough that we aren’t kept awake at night, stewing on it.
not so with the not knowing, at least for me. because “not knowing” is a verb. it is an active state of being, often attached to other verbs like wringing (hands), fretting (possibilities), and wrestling (fears). though not as active as the verb running, it is exponentially more exhausting.
we fidget and flail in the not knowing, because, in our heart of hearts, we feel out of control. Eve first tasted fruit as a power play, and we walk cursed all through this life with a seed of doubt in the pit of our stomachs, wondering if God, busy in His omnipotence and omnipresence, might just need our help.
today there’s a baby in my soul-friend’s tummy … and only God knows his/her gender.
He, who has known it since that first spark of cell division … in the same way that He knows each day this sweet new one will breathe life, in the same way that He knows (even when Sonya and Drason doubt) exactly how they’ll get through the gut-punches of emotion that are likely to befall them, in the same way He knows – truly knows – all of our hearts, how they pump fear in the place of not-knowing.
i pray to Him today, pray His protection for the unknown that awaits us all … and for His peace in the not knowing.