the not knowing …

road sign 2photo credit here


so if you’ve seen our Sonya lately, you know that what once was a tiny secret is now a great place to rest her morning chai.


a baby will be born – this very week, if doctor’s predictions are to be believed – and i, for one, am completely wrecked not knowing if it will be a boy or a girl.


this could easily turn into a post railing against those cool-kid type parents who make everyone wait to find out the gender of their babies (and are cursed with umpteen mint green onesies for this diabolical act), but i think there’s  a bigger issue at hand that i’d like to throw words at and see if they stick.


my unease in not knowing is, to my mind, a symptom of a larger spiritual issue.  a neon sign blinking “O ye of little faith.”


consider it, for a moment. the not knowing. not the unknown, for “unknown” is typically used as a noun by us:  it is a thing, out there, somewhere.  it might be good or bad, but it’s distant enough that we aren’t kept awake at night, stewing on it.


not so with the not knowing, at least for me.  because “not knowing” is a verb.  it is an active state of being, often attached to other verbs like wringing (hands), fretting (possibilities), and wrestling (fears).   though not as active as the verb running, it is exponentially more exhausting.


we fidget and flail in the not knowing, because, in our heart of hearts, we feel out of control. Eve first tasted fruit as a power play, and we walk cursed all through this life with a seed of doubt in the pit of our stomachs, wondering if God, busy in His omnipotence and omnipresence, might just  need our help.


today there’s a baby in my soul-friend’s tummy … and only God knows his/her gender.


He, who has known it since that first spark of cell division …  in the same way that He knows each day this sweet new one will breathe life, in the same way that He knows (even when Sonya and Drason doubt) exactly how they’ll get through the gut-punches of emotion that are likely to befall them, in the same way He knows – truly knows – all of our hearts, how they pump fear in the place of not-knowing.


i pray to Him today, pray His protection for the unknown that awaits us all … and for His  peace in the not knowing.


  1. joann

    I just dealt with this, not knowing. I mean, I knew Tobin’s gender but I didn’t know HIM yet. It’s hard to remember that God REALLY is good when you don’t have all the info. And when do we have the info?

  2. Jenny

    I have been thinking of Sonya and Drason EVERY SINGLE DAY and praying for them EVERY SINGLE NIGHT as their new Love approaches this life. No baby, boy or girl, could ask for more incredible parents. We welcome you, little one:).

  3. emily

    keli, i cannot even describe how your words have truly touched me to the core today (of all days). “not knowing” is definitely a verb that can just tear apart a person like me who loves knowing the answer and always having a plan of action. my baby has been sick for a few days now (hopefully it is getting better) and we are dealing with the not knowing. not knowing what is wrong, not knowing how to deal with it, not knowing how to work out the emotions, and even not knowing a baby’s gender are all so hard to deal with for people who are anal-retentive (like me!). continuing to pray for the beasleys (and i do know the gender of the beautiful baby now!) and for everyone associated with banebow.