When Darkness Closes In

Now that the busy season of holidays is over and family visits cease, the cold creeps in.

I live in an older home and we have a constant draft no matter how many times we weather strip our doors and windows and get our heating unit looked at. It is just cold.

This time of the year seems to sit heavily on me as things “slow down” (whatever that means with three kids under age two) and sickness, cold weather, and long days fill my home. And grief gets stronger as the days grow longer.

Maybe it’s because I have two new babies and things are so hectic, but I’ve caught myself on several occasions looking for Aiden. When leaving the house, making dinner plates, folding laundry, making beds… Something seems off and half the time I can’t put my finger on it. Then I remember that I’m missing one of my kids. A little boy who should be leading the pack in getting everyone dressed, a boy who should be eating breakfast with us, a boy that should be playing with his siblings.

Grief catches me in those chaotic moments of doing life without him.

I’m not much of a conversationalist and grief does flow freely from my mouth amidst chats with friends. It isn’t a topic that comes up often and definitely is not initiated. So my grief is hidden deep in those moments where it is too busy to think or process or cry. It gets pushed back until a lot of times until I explode. I have these mini meltdowns that toss my emotions to the wind and leave me with the wind knocked out of me.

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.
                                           -Isaiah 40:28-31

Embrace the word RENEW and cling to it. He is making things new. On days when I think I won’t make it, I remember that the next moment, the next day, the next week will be new. His mercies are new every morning and He refreshes our souls day after day. Lean into His love and He will lavish it upon your head with gladness. When my strength is frail, He restores.

Banebow holds grief groups on the 3rd Thursday of each month. It is a time to share, learn, and process grief with other families who have lost a child.

At these groups, I get to catch my breath. I can freely speak about my grief and receive prayer and support that is so desperately needed. If you or a loved one has lost a child, we invite you to join us. Hope, support, love, and encouragement is here. We are here.

If you would like more information about these meetings, please contact Banebow at banebow@gmail.com.